Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lydiakirsten's LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 16th, 2006
4:01 pm	it's been a long time... dear journal it has been a long time since i've used this business. here is an update of what has gone on. Hiked the AT, at least part of it. Old boyfriend is gone Kind of new boyfriend is fun Work is busy Summer school sucks My room is messy here are some things i am looking forward to: Liz's wedding Erinn turning 20 Dave concert Camping Swimming so there you have it my friends, all 2 of you, my life is boring but beautiful. it is a good day. love lydia (Comment on this)
Monday, April 24th, 2006
5:17 pm	sick again dear journal, well, i am sick again. after a weekend of laying in bed and wondering where my voice went i payed a visit to the doctor today. i almost threw up all over the nurse that stuck all those swabs down my throat. i missed my mom as they took blood for a mono test because she always holds my hand. i walked out of there with nothing. just a bad infection in my throat. every time i go to the doctor and they take all those tests nothing is ever wrong, which is a good thing, but sometimes i just wish something would be wrong so they knew how to treat it. i hate that i have been sick so often this month. as soon as i start to get better, i get sick again. i am really stressed with school right now. all i do is cry about it. i am a baby. i hike the appalachian trail in just over 2 weeks and i am getting nervous. i am going to be sleeping outside for two whole weeks. what if a bear eats me? what if i get skunked? what if i get poison ivy? although, i am most likely going to have an amazing time and not get eaten by a bear. although, if i do get eaten i will at least be on the news, probably with a picture montage, i guess that's the up side. i have to write a thesis about the movie good will hunting, i don't know what to write. i don't even know why i picked that movie to analyze. it is going to be the death of me. love,lydia (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
2:44 pm	growing pains dear journal sometimes i am still amazed that one day i can be okay with growing up and then the next want nothing to do with it. today i want nothing to do with it. i don't like going to school anymore. i feel like i am not learning anything in any of my classes so it feels like a waste of time to be there and i don't go. i don't want to have to make grown up decisions like where am i going to school next year, do i really want to be a teacher, do i want to start a relationship with this person, what is good for me? i just don't know... i get really sad when i see a friend hurting and i can't be there to hug them or comfort them. it makes my heart hurt to see my friends in pain and know i can't do anything to fix it. in two days it will be one year since laurie took her life. i thought that this pain that i still feel would have eased up a little bit in a year but it seems to get worse and worse every day. i still feel raw and sad a lot of the time. i still think about her everyday and wonder why she did it and what am i going to do without her. i took her for granted, i always assumed she would be here and now that she's not i am sad. i still miss her so much on a happier note, i am very excited to see erinn in her plays this weekend. i can't wait love lydia (Comment on this)
Friday, February 24th, 2006
5:04 pm	so smiley dear journal i couldn't be happier! love lydia Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
10:29 pm	giddy dear journal my dog ran away for an hour tonight, i got a little excited but then he was found. i am so happy with my crush right now. i couldn't be happier. i feel like all the waiting was worth it just for this amount happiness i am feeling now. i'm hiking the apalachian trail in may. it is going to be very fun. i look forward to it. i'm told i need to start training now, whatever love lydia (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 19th, 2006
2:04 pm	so happy dear journal, i feel like at this moment in time i have found my other half. he is so funny and sweet and cute and smart and he is going somewhere. i have only met him a week ago but already my heart is so happy. last night he held my hand and then took it away because he wanted to make sure it was okay to do that. it was okay. there were cute cheek kisses and a nice hug goodbye. i forgot what it felt like to have real feelings for someone, not just i want to make out feelings. it is so wonderful. i find it so weird how someone can be attracted to one person but not someone else. what brings about those feelings? i don't know, but i do know when i saw him i had those feelings. and then the other crushes i had completely left my heart. i am always amazed by life. love lydia (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
10:31 pm	when i grow up... dear journal, today as i was walking out of class it hit me, when i grow up i am going to be a teacher. it's not just a statement anymore, it is reality. i am taking all the classes, i am going to take the basic skills test, i am doing it all and soon, very soon, i will be a teacher. i get a little teary eyed thinking about it. i am so excited! this weekend will be wonderful spent with erinn in her apt. because she is a grown up. we are going to be grown ups together. love lydia (Comment on this)
Friday, February 3rd, 2006
10:53 pm	dear journal oh man, this blows love, lydia (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
7:45 pm	oh man dear journal, so far i like all my classes, mostly my film class because my teacher is nice to look at, i like the chairs, and i like movies. it's going to be a good class, i can tell. i am mad at my math teacher because she is always late to class and then gets on peoples cases when they are late. i just don't think it's nice. surprisingly, i am liking my math class. i've been kinda gloomy the last couple days. i don't know exactly what it is that is getting me down, but it's something and i am down. also, i like a boy. so if i like this boy and i want to get to know him better, why don't i ever call him back. do i like my freedom? do i enjoy just relaxing when i have the chance? i never have any time this semester. classes and work take up all my time and when i do have a free evening i want to spend it at home catching up on reading or homework or something. i guess i want to get to know him but when the time is right for me. when will the time be right? will he still be waiting around for me? i just don't know, i am stuck. i also really hate when i am trying to get in touch with a friend and they don't answer their phone or call me back. it drives me crazy. i am getting annoyed and very angry! i am off to shower and do a lot of reading, although i should call this boy back, i just can't. love lydia (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
6:06 pm	coffee dear journal, what a wonderful, wonderful, day! it started off well with a convo to my best friend erinn. i can't believe how grown up she is with her new apt. i can't wait to visit it! awesome date last night, all i'm gonna say about that! love, lydia (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 24th, 2005
7:51 pm	HO HO HO dear journal, it is christmas eve and since we are having all the family over here tomorrow my mother is going crazy. she asked me to help her around the house and when i started helping her she told me to just get out of her way. i did. i took two good naps today and put lots of chapstick on my lips and lots of lotion on my face since winter is having a field day with my appearance. this is going to be an awkward christmas since andy ran away for a couple weeks, he is now home. The family won't really talk about anything that went on but we all know what went on so we are pretending nothing happend. it's all very confusing and there will be drama, but that's what the holidays are all about; drama and family turmoil. i'm pretty sure i met the boy i would really like to marry. he is a grown up, like seriously. he is 23 almost 24, has a job, health insurance, and an apartment, and the best thing is he likes me too. he asked me last night if he could take me out sometime ::swoon:: although, he didn't know how to spell my name so i had to educate him. when i was 19 i would have though i could never go out with a 23/24 year old, but now that i am 20 it seems okay. oh my, this growing up is so complicated. i'm very happy today. the house smells so good because my mom is making something that smells really good. i hope everyone has a very happy holiday season, and a super new year! love lydia (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
2:30 pm	almost done dear journal, 3 out of 4 finals are done! i finally understood spanish! i finished all my christmas shopping in 52 minutes. i am my own hero. love lydia (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 8th, 2005
9:36 pm	oh happy snow dear journal, it has just begun to snow! not just snow, but snow storm. it is so beautiful! everything is clean and fresh and perfect. i don't like snow after it has been on the ground for a long time and it is black from polution and exhaust and such, but when it first falls it is magical. i am taking the train all by myself tomorrow. it is my first official grown up task. i am going to read and have a cup of coffee because that is what grown ups do on the train, i've seen it. i had lunch with long time friend janelle today. it was really good. we talked a lot about everything. she paid which i said please don't and she did anyways. that i guess was another grown up thing because we fought about who was going to pay. this grown up thing is rough. finals are taking place next week. i am so happy that soon they will be done. i look forward to just working and reading. this semester i have read a lot of non school related books. i am happy about that because i thought that when i was in school i didn't have enough time to read, but it turns out i do. maybe not as much as i would like, but i still have time to read a little and that is what keeps me sane. i can't wait to go sledding! love lydia (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
3:56 pm	it happend dear journal, yes, it happend. i prayed for it not to, i begged and pleaded. i tried to imagine it away, but it happend anyways. i am 20. oh shit, i am a grown up. love lydia (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
7:28 pm	... dear journal, andy is okay. well, not really, but he is alive and that is what i am most thankful for. i love him so much. i can't even imagine the things he is going through or dealing with, but i am so thankful that he is alive. the journey he has to take is not going to be easy but i am going to be there for him every step of the way, forever and ever. school is almost done with for the semester and i am more then ready. i am ready to just relax and be with my family. love lydia (Comment on this)
Monday, November 28th, 2005
7:49 pm	WTF dear journal, i don't understand what is going on. why does everyone keep dying? i don't get it. it makes me really scared to leave the house and scared for my family and friends. i don't like living in fear, but i feel forced to since every couple of months another young, bright, full of life kid dies. i am getting really ticked off. my cousin andy was kicked out of his house on friday and no one has heard from him since. no one knows where he is or what is going on, and no one is doing anything about it. i just want to scream. i love him so much and i don't want to read about him in the paper or see his face on the news or get that scary phone call. what the hell is happening? love lydia (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 20th, 2005
9:45 pm	no thank you dear journal i hate weddings. after being asked by every single uncle and grandpa, "lydia do you have a boyfriend?" and after having to answer so many times i wasn't feeling too great about myself. then having them say, "ellen has a boyfriend, william has a girlfriend, and you don't have a boyfriend, what's wrong? why don't you have a boyfriend? no offers? hahaha." yeah, real funny. as if i don't have to ask myself that very question every day. why don't you have a boyfriend lydia? what is wrong with you lydia? WHAT THE F'ING HELL!!! this wedding made me feel real great about myself. i hate this whole groing up business. no thank you, not for me. i don't want to do it anymore. i know i said i was okay with being 20, not anymore. rewind, i want to be a teenager again. i want to be 16 looking forward to driving, going to prom, looking forward to growing up without actaully doing it yet. i can't deal. this is too too much for me. i am not capable of making all these decisions. i can barely match my own socks let alone decide grown up things. no thank you. love lydia (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 17th, 2005
9:34 pm	where to go from here dear journal, it is now time to process and deal with the losses. the last service was today. things have calmed down a little, but there is still so much pain. what would i do without my friends? when did i get so lucky to have such wonderful friends and people surrounding me. i am truly blessed. i have to go to a wedding on saturday. i am looking forward to wearing my beautiful suit and that is all i'm looking forward to. i will dream of my wedding. love, lydia (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
9:15 am	does it ever end dear journal, here i am sitting in school but my mind is elsewhere. i can't focus or hear what my teachers are saying because my thoughts are with my sister and so many of her friends who are hurting so much. my heart is breaking for them. unfortunatly so many of us know what it is like to lose a close friend. the pain only gets harder before it gets better. i just want to hug and kiss the pain away and i know i can't do that. i am here though and that is all she needs. i just don't know when this became okay. when did it become okay for young kids to die? when did it become okay to take peoples friends away forever without asking? when did it become okay for so much pain to live in our hearts? there isn't an answer, there never will be. why doesn't staples have an easy button for a situation like this? lydia (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 12th, 2005
11:36 am	frustrated dear journal, i had a meeting with a counselor at school the other day and it turns out i will be in college for a long time. i will be at clc for at least another year and then off to the college of my choice and the one that will officially make me a teacher. i don't mind staying at clc i just want to be done with college right now. i'm getting burned out. this winter break can not come soon enough. i miss being excited about going to school and learning. i want it to feel fun again. just a couple more weeks and i will have that much needed break and then maybe in january when i go back it will be exciting again. i am beginning to see my china dream become a reality. i have money in the bank and the wish in my heart. i can't even imagine all the things i will see and all the memories i will make. it is going to be the best time of my life! i am just now beginning to understand the intensity of the word "love." i guess i'm a slow learner since it took me almost 20 years to realize exactly what that word means. i do know that i am not going to throw that word around anymore. i don't really love a lot of the people i say i love or a lot of the things i love. love is just such a big deal. speaking of 20, my birthday is in just a couple of weeks and i will be 20. i am beginning to be okay with that. my teenage years are almost behind me and my grown up years are right in front of me. it's going to be a brand new chapter in the book of lydia, and i am ready for that. i am still scared, but a good scared. i need to get my priorities in line. love, lydia p.s. erinn i miss you and i love you. and when i say i love you, i mean it. i am not throwing that word around with you. i truly honestly mean it. you are wonderful and you are going to make a wonderful teacher. i can't wait until we are teachers and can talk about our students and the challenges and the joys and gossip about other teachers. i can't wait to visit your apt. you are my one and only best friend and i can't wait to see you whenever that may be. i love you! (1 Comment |Comment on this)